Uncle Frank's Diary

Number 28 / August, 2005

Uncle Frank and the Dupes of Hazard

Is it not obvious that the Bush Gang is the most inept, most dishonest, most delusional, most profligate presidential administration in American history? Its crimes and stupidities make those of the Clinton, Reagan, Nixon, Johnson, Harding, and Grant administrations look like the puerile work of schoolyard shakedown artists.

Is it not obvious that the American mainstream media are hopeless? Runaway brides! Jacko! Pretty affluent white girls gone missing! (Day 497!) Hannity, Matthews, O’Reilly, Limbaugh! It is as if the ghost of William Randolph Hearst has seized control of all the television networks, the entire radio spectrum, and most newspapers, to paint the whole nation a dripping yellow, the yellow of sensation, of infectious discharge, of purulent prurience and untrammeled idiocy.

Drop Your Gs and Woof Like a W

And there be prissy-lipped Boy George, smirkin’, droppin’ his Gs from every other verb, tellin’ us to “look” and “listen” before he utters yet another inane bromide that would insult the intelligence of a not terribly gifted dog. Blahblahblahblahblah, ad infinitum.

What is left to say? What is left to do? What, precisely, is the point?

Why, that is, bother?

I know people who simply cannot, could not if their lives depended on it (which they may, in fact) acknowledge that B.G. and the Gang have ever miscalculated, misled, or failed to think through to the consequences of their actions. These true believers—who give every appearance of reasoned thought in other areas of their lives—have willingly gouged out their own eyes rather than own up to seeing what lies (and what lies they are!) before them.

Oh, Daddy! Please Don’t Kill Us!

What motivates them? Profound fear of blacks? Hatred of paying taxes? A hard-boiled fetal fetishism? A naïve and sentimental love, God help us, of Jesus? Do they turn to Boy George because he gives them hope that:

a) He’ll keep the blacks out of the neighborhood.

b) He’ll cut their taxes, just like he does the taxes of all those big corporations.

c)      He’ll make sure that every zygote blooms into a pwecious wittle baby; not one little bundle o’ stem cells in a Petri dish will be crying “Oh, Daddy, please, don’t kill us! We’ll be good! We’ll clean our plates! Dishes! Whatever!”

d)     He’ll put God, damn it, back at the center of American life.

e)      He’ll kill them heathen bastards in the Middle East.

Honestly, how can anyone take these people seriously? I was watching that bowtied twit Tucker Carlson on some show or other a short while back. He was arguing with a hapless guest about the next Soup-ream Court appointment. TC professed amazement at the idea that there are some good reasons to place a woman (you know, one of those people what ain’t got a prominent Adam’s apple) on the court.

Is it possible that Carlson is as complete an idiot as his expressed incomprehension would suggest? (Gosh, let me see if I can think of why it might be a Good Thing to have a couple of women, in a nation whose population is more than half women, on the Supreme Court to help decide on legal issues that affect women in ways powerfully out of proportion to the way they affect men. Oh, geez. Help me out here, would you? I’m really struggling with this one. Me & Tucker, we have a problem here.)

Or is Carlson thoroughly and utterly cynical, pretending to amazement that he does not feel for the sake of ratcheting up the rhetorical heat of his lame-o program? Or is it possible that he is both thoroughly and utterly cynical, and a complete idiot as well?  

Uncle Frank reports; you decide.

Media Morons

Not to single out Carlson, although I just did, for an extra helping of Uncle Frank’s Special Hot Sauce of Opprobrium. He’s merely one of the mainstream media-moron gang. They’re everywhere.

Don’t it just make ya weary? It made me call up the blessedly divine James Dobson of Croak Us on the Family, to ask him for some of his inspired guidance. He oughta know from guidance, given that he’s bright enough to compare stem cell research to Nazi medical experiments.

“Hey, Jim, I been feelin’ all out of sorts with this criminal bunch o’ fools wreckin’ the country….  Yeah, you know, Bush & Cheney and all…. Oh, I mean, lying us into a war, spending the kids into debt, getting what they want by scaring the crap outta people and throwing their weight around like a buncha mobsters…. & all that dopey booya about religion—I see that Boy George thinks ‘intelligent design’ oughta be taught as an alternative to scientific evolution. What I want to know is, if the design is so all-fired intelligent, how come a dimwit like W is in the White House, huh? What’s intelligent about that?”

The Divinely Blessed Father Dobson hung up on me. I guess I don’t qualify for divine counsel. Jesus probably hates me, too. I should get one of these buttons: http://www.stickergiant.com/page/sg/PROD/g555.

Maybe you’ll have better luck with the Right Hand o’ God. You can ask the Most Holy Blessed Jimbo a question right here:  http://www.family.org/

So, You Know—You Know?

But getting back to the point: Why bother? When we are all the pathetic dupes of a hazard beyond our power to control, even to influence, why not just lie back and take it like the targets we are?

I’m not advocating defeatism or nothin’ like that, but Uncle Frank kind of wishes that it would all just go away, you know?

You do know, don’t you.

Graphic by Karen McGinnis